nklr try this again. some are pretty funny
Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 9:10 am
You forgot children's swing set. Take it apart and use the long poles
for a breaker bar to break the axle nut loose on those early Honda 2
cylinder cars in the 70's. My kid never forgave me .... but it
worked. man those nuts were torqued tight.
Criswell
On May 21, 2009, at 4:54 PM, Rick McCauley wrote: > > > > Tools, And How To Use Them. > > DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching > flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the > chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against > that freshly painted part you were drying. > > WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere > under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint > whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes > you to say, "Ouch...." > > ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their > holes until you die of old age. > > PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. > > HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board > principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable > motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more > dismal your future becomes. > > VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is > available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat > to the palm of your hand. > > OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various > flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the > grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. > > WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and > motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 > or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. > > HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground > after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack > handle firmly under the bumper. > > EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile > upward off a hydraulic jack handle. > > TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. > > PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another > hydraulic floor jack. > > SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for > spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog**** off your boot. > > E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any > known drill bit that snaps off in bolt holes you couldn't use anyway. > > TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the tensile strength on > everything you forgot to disconnect. > > CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large pry-bar that > inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end > opposite the handle. > > AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. > > TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes > called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the > sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at > night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40- > watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells > might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the > Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. > > PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style > paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; but can also > be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. > > AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal- > burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into > compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact > wrench that grips rusty bolts that were over tightened 50 years ago > by someone at Ford, and neatly rounds off their heads. > > PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or > bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. > > HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses too short. > > HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays > is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive > parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. Also known as a > "variable swing press" > > MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of > cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly > well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic > bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic > parts. > > DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the > garage While yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also > the next tool that you will need. > > EXPLETIVE: A balm, usually applied verbally in hindsight, which > somehow eases those pains and indignities following our every > deficiency in foresight. I think most of us can relate to this! > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed] > > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]